I googled ‘am I burnt out?’ Then went back to work.

When I was burning out, occasionally I’d Google it.

People in my life with concerned faces kept throwing the word out there. I’d nod, yes I hear you. But I didn’t actually know what burnout meant, what it felt like, or whether what I was feeling was ‘it’. 

"Am I burnt out" "Signs of burnout" “Burnout symptoms”

If I was feeling brave enough: "Burnout quiz"

Here was a list of statements about how I felt at work. Did I agree or disagree? ’There are days I feel tired before I arrive at work.’ (I’m exhausted, but isn’t everyone?) ‘I can tolerate the pressure of my work very well.’ (What do you reckon they mean by very well?) ‘I feel more and more engaged in my work.’ (Well, I’m thinking about it at 3am and on holidays. I’d say that’s pretty engaged.) 

Was I doing it right? 

The diagnostic question (am I burnt out, yes or no?) turned into the opportunity to debate myself on the details: Was I burnt out, or ‘just’ (lol) burning out? Ok, if I am burnt out, what level was I at? High, or ‘only’ moderate? What stage was I at? Was it early days, or the stage where it was a real thing, the stage where I needed to, I don’t know, tell somebody? 

You might have thought I was looking for proof that I needed to take action. In fact, I was looking for the opposite - permission not to act. And the more unclear the definition of burnout, the more confusing the scales, the more muddied the symptom list, the more I gave myself permission to kick that can down the road.